Heartbeat.

There are some days where I can feel my heart beat without even trying.

Some days it beats hard and fast.

Others it beats a little bit slower.

Sometimes it comes from a happy place.

Sometimes...

Then some days it hurts.

A sharp pain that cuts right through my heart.

For a few seconds all I can think about.

Is, this must be how Adam felt when for a few minutes Eve was the only one doomed to die.

Some days it beats for God.

Then me.

Then you.

Then it hurts.

Take a second and maybe you too can listen to my
heartbeat.

Mess.

Tonight will be a collection of thoughts:

Home is where the heart is -> My heart is with you all.

You try, but I won't allow.

The more you open, the more I will try to protect.

Pray that all is safe.

Listen to me - I know that you don't want any help, but I know the best way, and that is to listen to me, I'm right, whether you want to believe it or not.

Some days, I wonder if I'll ever hear those 3 words again...but this time I will really feel it.

I'm ready for something. Are you?

Betrayed.

what does it take, to get your attention?

maybe if we were strangers, and maybe if I had an interesting story.

hmm

The Way.

[insert picture here]



Boyhood.

Something that I clearly have missed out on.

Reading "The Way of the Wild Heart" has shown me exactly all the little details of being "initiated into manhood" I have actually missed.

Innocence, curiosity, the feeling of being cherished, loved, special: No.

I am supposed to have experienced these things.

I am supposed to have known what all of these things not only mean but how they feel.

They are supposed to shape me, bring me into a new state of mind, ready for the next chapters.

But nothing, some watered down, feel good pat on the shoulder.

Tell me when does a computer screen look more interested as your own child?

When does playing games with complete strangers come before helping your child do school work?

Strange men over at the house...please only when its pasted the bedtime.

Parties? Smoking? Alcohol?

Where were you?

Now.

Where am I?

The Fountain.

some days i wonder if this movie could be true
that maybe in some strange way we are always in pursuit of something that we can never achieve
i know this contradicts christianity but one cant help but wonder
maybe i am doomed to never have what i think i want
and in the end
i realize the one thing that i am running from is the one thing that will make me complete
maybe i realize that i honestly do not have control over my life

where is my tree

where is my spain

where is my queen?

Soulmates"?"

The concept escapes me.

A person that was perfectly designed for me? and I for them?

What happens if you aren't on watch to find them?

Or if they pass you?

Or you have them, but lose them?

Or if they have some other?

Or

Or

Or...

If they don't exist.

Maybe I passed by that line to get my ticket.

"Now serving #6,999,999,999"

Runaway.

It was one of those days where it seemed like nothing could go right.

A day where ya should have gotten out of bed.

A time where ya should have really thought out your actions.

"one man's gift is another man's accusation"

I'll tell you just once...


runaway.

Boy and the Night.

"Stop!!!" I Yelled.
To the boy that wonders.
"Where are you going."
He just looks, stares, and ponders.

"Will you please take me with you...
I mean into the night?"
He stops, then nods
Not looking to fight.

"The places you go...
They look so dark and deep..."
He nods and braces,
For the next few are steep.

I will follow close
right at his heels
He silently walks
but a few glances he steals.

"Who are you
and from where do you come?"
"I'm from a land of few
The country of some."

To myself I keep:
This is not a place I would choose to sleep."

What is your name
Once again I sing..
"I am no one,
I am nothing."

I stopped with the questions.
He gave just one more nod.
Silently I walked.
And heavily he trod.

The night grew deeper
His stare was straight
I hanged my head,
Unsure of our fate.

then all of a sudden
Just like a flash
he missed a few steps
I watched then I dashed.

I caught his arm
Then his side
i tucked, then i rolled
the path just to narrow, our fall just to wide

I covered the pain
and said with a grin
"Sir you must be more careful,
watch first then...........

He stood abruptly
without a cause
straightened his coat
and scratched at his jaw.

So our walk continued
our journey from right there
there is nothing in this world
nothing he could not bear.

the bruises on his palm
the scars on his face
quickly i knew i
could have never taken his place

through all the dark
through all of the soot
this did i stole
and this did i took
for in his eye was a glimmer
deep in his soul a little less dimmer
than what did I first see.

as quickly as words escape the mouth
so was our night coming to an end
the void was fading
just alittle more around the bend

Lost in a Daze
My feet in a crazy
I lost myself

but before i hit the land
quicker than life
the force of a hand
grabbed my chest, and through his strife
pulled me back up
to the level of night
"Why?" I did ask before I could think
A quick grin did I see...no...just his shoulders did sink.

As I brushed myself off
did a sneeze then a cough.

I reached for my watch
but felt it was gone

just wait one second
as i turned to the spot
and raced over to search
"Ah right there on the top..."

OKAY as I turned
but something was wrong
something not right
for just as he came, he was gone

As the crack of dawn appears
at the beginning of the day
a brother I know I had made
and 'thanks' all I can say.

Purge.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

Let's Begin from the End.

It has come to the point where I feel like I have actually started to shed the old creature of myself, and instead, have actually started embracing this new creature that Christ has made for me.

Since turning 21 I have done the following (list is tentative):

Driven to Illinois to meet my biological father (for the first time)

Went to HHN (for the first time)

Bought plane tickets by myself (for the first time)

Went home with a friend I met in college (for the first time)

Have actually associated myself with being single (for the first time)

Went indoor skydiving (for the first time)

Learning how to actually ride a bike (no comment)

Sak comedy club

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At the end of the day, knowing that Christ is enough...one of the best feelings that any person could have.

Knowing that I can live my life not dependent on anyone else (other than Christ) is the second best feeling a person could have.

(to be continued)