Welcome 2011.

End of old, and the beginning of new.

Sometimes I wonder if God Himself laughs from Heaven when the new year rolls out. He just has been through so many, while the entire human race seems to slow down and even sometimes stop when there appears to be an extra number added on to the year. I wonder what it is. Does it mean that people have less time to do what they want to do;
less time to divulge themselves into everything that brings them pleasure and happiness;
less time to do what really makes them happy in life;
less time to spend with loved ones;
less time to count all their money in the bank;
less time to learn how to drive a stick;
less time to search for a long lost father;
less time to call your neighbor;
less time to bake that cake;
less time to learn how to juggle;

less time to spend reaching to others about their eternal Creator...

I hope it's the later, but sadly I know it isn't.

So this new year I will be thinking these things:

How thankful I am to have a loving family;
How thankful I am to have loving friends;
How thankful I am to be living this very second;
How thankful I am to have gone to counseling;
How thankful I am to be going to college;
How thankful I am to be learning how to grow close to a special someone all over again;
How thankful I am to have a healing heart and soul;
How thankful I am to have mentors that care about me;

How thankful I have a God that loves me and let me live a full year, and hopefully will let me live another one for His glory.

:) Happy New Year.

Yesterday.

There are days like yesterday that I know were specifically given to me like a tiny present wrapped by the hands of God Himself. A kind of "Here this is what it means to be really happy" or "This is what true family and fellowship looks like." Something that I will always remember and treasure.

I wish circumstances were different and if we all could roll back just minutes of everyday, we would, for just a few more with our loved ones.

Be with them tomorrow, God, hold their hands and their heads as the day progresses.

It's that Time Again.

21 Christmas' later and there is still something I will always learn about this holiday.

After all the presents are given,

After all the hooray is said,

After the food has eaten,

This is and will always be,

My family.

Hometown.

"Home is where the heart is"

this was home

but my heart has travelled

on the journey it has become weary

lost and hungry

days out in the elements

nights where it didnt know which way was up

but now we have come full circle

and now we both know

"Home isn't a place, but a state of mind."

and we're okay with that

:)

Beauty.

take my hand
be my guide
for your face
please dont hide

in this world
full of hate
i stand at the pass
the front of the gate

open the door
open my eyes
release you song
open your skies

pour down all your grace
let it rain your power
this is your time
i gaze from your tower

beauty is not what i seek
but beauty is what i found
from small flower to birds song
beauty has been all around

from this moment on
i will not turn
but open my heart
for what you yearn.

Deuces.

Today my flight leaves.

Today I leave my home behind.

(only for a short while)

Today I hope to step into something new.

Today I want to start anew.

Today I will miss someone special.

Today is a new day.

Today I'm chalking up my
deuces.




Who knows what tomorrow is?

Dusk & Summer.

shhh.

Press the button one more time.

Maybe this time the clock will stop.

:)

Bromance.

It's times like these where I know that I am where I am supposed to be.

A place where true community exists.

A place where new love interests can start.

A place where great friendships last the stand of time.

A place where God can thrive.

A place what I can now call home.

Finals.

I know God is ever present in any and all situations of my life.

But during finals week.

I feel like Satan runs rampart throughout campus.

The name of Jesus compels you Satan...go back to your fiery pit.

Man in the Moon.

Nights like last night.

are the ones where

you as the man

in the moon

to slow down time

so you can enjoy

every minute

one

second

at

a

time.

1 Cor 15:41 There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars: for one star differeth from another star in glory

The Nitch.

What I have observed tonight is something that I can't really explain.
Billions of people all over this world,
Each of them living simultaneously
Independently
Incompletely
There is not one person that has walked the same footpaths as the other
In the present
In the past
or in the future
But I'm not talking about lifetimes now.
But just one moment.
The one moment where their brain
body
soul
finds its nitch in this life
The moment in time where everything
melts away
Is put on hold
Is pushed aside
And that person lives
Without a care in the world
For this moment is
Their world and that's all they care about.

Rubberband Man.

"wild as the taliban.

9 in my right

45 in my other hand."

some days i wonder if T.I. just wants to be a cowboy.

to ride the plains in search of something more.

one day stopping evil,

and finding his heroine.

i know i would.

Ordinary.

Today is just one of those days that falls in the midst of others.

No real sunshine, but no real clouds

Not really too hot, but not really too cold.

Not to happy, but not too sad.

Not to busy, but not too relaxed.

Just a day.

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life."

But.

Today is the day that the Lord has made, and regardless of how I feel on the inside...I will rejoice and be glad in it.

If Only.

If only. . .

If only we could.

If only we would.

If only time could be changed.

If only fate could be caged.

If only the sun rose

to never fall again.

If only the space was small.

If only the walls werent tall.

If only choices could differ.

If only they didnt matter.

If only the sky could be blue

and never be gray again.

If only things didnt die.

If only we didnt cry.

If only she didnt talk

If only you didnt walk.

If only you were real

but youre not.

Pour Into.

One day.

All these thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions...well...love...

They will pour into someone.

Someday.

Until then, I build the dams just a little bit higher.

And try not to drown as the waters rise.

Heartbeat.

There are some days where I can feel my heart beat without even trying.

Some days it beats hard and fast.

Others it beats a little bit slower.

Sometimes it comes from a happy place.

Sometimes...

Then some days it hurts.

A sharp pain that cuts right through my heart.

For a few seconds all I can think about.

Is, this must be how Adam felt when for a few minutes Eve was the only one doomed to die.

Some days it beats for God.

Then me.

Then you.

Then it hurts.

Take a second and maybe you too can listen to my
heartbeat.

Mess.

Tonight will be a collection of thoughts:

Home is where the heart is -> My heart is with you all.

You try, but I won't allow.

The more you open, the more I will try to protect.

Pray that all is safe.

Listen to me - I know that you don't want any help, but I know the best way, and that is to listen to me, I'm right, whether you want to believe it or not.

Some days, I wonder if I'll ever hear those 3 words again...but this time I will really feel it.

I'm ready for something. Are you?

Betrayed.

what does it take, to get your attention?

maybe if we were strangers, and maybe if I had an interesting story.

hmm

The Way.

[insert picture here]



Boyhood.

Something that I clearly have missed out on.

Reading "The Way of the Wild Heart" has shown me exactly all the little details of being "initiated into manhood" I have actually missed.

Innocence, curiosity, the feeling of being cherished, loved, special: No.

I am supposed to have experienced these things.

I am supposed to have known what all of these things not only mean but how they feel.

They are supposed to shape me, bring me into a new state of mind, ready for the next chapters.

But nothing, some watered down, feel good pat on the shoulder.

Tell me when does a computer screen look more interested as your own child?

When does playing games with complete strangers come before helping your child do school work?

Strange men over at the house...please only when its pasted the bedtime.

Parties? Smoking? Alcohol?

Where were you?

Now.

Where am I?

The Fountain.

some days i wonder if this movie could be true
that maybe in some strange way we are always in pursuit of something that we can never achieve
i know this contradicts christianity but one cant help but wonder
maybe i am doomed to never have what i think i want
and in the end
i realize the one thing that i am running from is the one thing that will make me complete
maybe i realize that i honestly do not have control over my life

where is my tree

where is my spain

where is my queen?

Soulmates"?"

The concept escapes me.

A person that was perfectly designed for me? and I for them?

What happens if you aren't on watch to find them?

Or if they pass you?

Or you have them, but lose them?

Or if they have some other?

Or

Or

Or...

If they don't exist.

Maybe I passed by that line to get my ticket.

"Now serving #6,999,999,999"

Runaway.

It was one of those days where it seemed like nothing could go right.

A day where ya should have gotten out of bed.

A time where ya should have really thought out your actions.

"one man's gift is another man's accusation"

I'll tell you just once...


runaway.

Boy and the Night.

"Stop!!!" I Yelled.
To the boy that wonders.
"Where are you going."
He just looks, stares, and ponders.

"Will you please take me with you...
I mean into the night?"
He stops, then nods
Not looking to fight.

"The places you go...
They look so dark and deep..."
He nods and braces,
For the next few are steep.

I will follow close
right at his heels
He silently walks
but a few glances he steals.

"Who are you
and from where do you come?"
"I'm from a land of few
The country of some."

To myself I keep:
This is not a place I would choose to sleep."

What is your name
Once again I sing..
"I am no one,
I am nothing."

I stopped with the questions.
He gave just one more nod.
Silently I walked.
And heavily he trod.

The night grew deeper
His stare was straight
I hanged my head,
Unsure of our fate.

then all of a sudden
Just like a flash
he missed a few steps
I watched then I dashed.

I caught his arm
Then his side
i tucked, then i rolled
the path just to narrow, our fall just to wide

I covered the pain
and said with a grin
"Sir you must be more careful,
watch first then...........

He stood abruptly
without a cause
straightened his coat
and scratched at his jaw.

So our walk continued
our journey from right there
there is nothing in this world
nothing he could not bear.

the bruises on his palm
the scars on his face
quickly i knew i
could have never taken his place

through all the dark
through all of the soot
this did i stole
and this did i took
for in his eye was a glimmer
deep in his soul a little less dimmer
than what did I first see.

as quickly as words escape the mouth
so was our night coming to an end
the void was fading
just alittle more around the bend

Lost in a Daze
My feet in a crazy
I lost myself

but before i hit the land
quicker than life
the force of a hand
grabbed my chest, and through his strife
pulled me back up
to the level of night
"Why?" I did ask before I could think
A quick grin did I see...no...just his shoulders did sink.

As I brushed myself off
did a sneeze then a cough.

I reached for my watch
but felt it was gone

just wait one second
as i turned to the spot
and raced over to search
"Ah right there on the top..."

OKAY as I turned
but something was wrong
something not right
for just as he came, he was gone

As the crack of dawn appears
at the beginning of the day
a brother I know I had made
and 'thanks' all I can say.

Purge.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

Let's Begin from the End.

It has come to the point where I feel like I have actually started to shed the old creature of myself, and instead, have actually started embracing this new creature that Christ has made for me.

Since turning 21 I have done the following (list is tentative):

Driven to Illinois to meet my biological father (for the first time)

Went to HHN (for the first time)

Bought plane tickets by myself (for the first time)

Went home with a friend I met in college (for the first time)

Have actually associated myself with being single (for the first time)

Went indoor skydiving (for the first time)

Learning how to actually ride a bike (no comment)

Sak comedy club

__________________________________________________________


At the end of the day, knowing that Christ is enough...one of the best feelings that any person could have.

Knowing that I can live my life not dependent on anyone else (other than Christ) is the second best feeling a person could have.

(to be continued)

Back

I'm back. sorry it's been hectic.

But I'm back.

you can breathe now.

:)

We will be taking a different direction now.

here is where I will reveal parts of myself

as many things that make up who I really am and why

i think im ready.

:)

Boggled.

tonight the most peculiar thing happened.

i feel like for just a moment, i was no longer will, future math teacher, jesus loving, hispanic, conservative, short, anything anymore.

i become someone else. i was lost in someone else's world.

i was hip, older, liberal. i had an eye for the arts and a heart for the experience of the world around me.

during my trip, i came to know a few new friends, and even mourned the loss of one.

i dont know why, how, or to what extent this will happen, but for now, i will have some strange distant connection with those people.

the picture above is from Bryan Derballa. the one that i stumbled upon.

Head/Heart Dilemma.

Sometimes all the right decisions

Look like all the mistakes that could happen

I know your heart pulls this way

while your head pulls the other

and all the while leaving you

stationary.

Believe me.

The longer you stay still

the greater the distant grows between reaching

what your heart

or head

wants.

Silencio.

Stop fighting.

It will be okay.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes..."
- Revelation 21:4(a)

Ready - or not.

Take my hand, I'll keep you safe,
Take my hand,
Take my hand, I'll keep you safe,
Take my hand

The truth will set you free,
Just hold my hand,
I'll keep you safe, I know you're confused,
But I will always refuse to take you for granted.

I'll rip out your heart and your eyes until,
You see the love I have inside,
For you, carry on this way, till you will go
And see the truth

Come on girl, I've been waiting for you to make your move
Come on girl, I've been waiting for you to make your move

As always its all for you
As always its all for you

- "Dr. Shavargo Pt. 3" - by Attack Attack!


God has fashioned my life leaps and bounds into something
great.

"The more you realize yourself the less will you seek God."
- Oswald Chambers

I want God to be in me that when I look in the mirror, I won't be able to remember a time without Him.

I want you to see Him work through me.

Even though you have every excuse, reason, doubt, uncertainty, ground, understanding to not trust me ever again.

I ask you to trust God through me.

Maybe one day when you look at me, you will no longer see me for who I was.

But maybe you will see me for who I strive to be.

"Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ"
- 1 Corinthians 11:1

Hard Knock.

It's a hard knock life for us.
It's a hard knock life for us...

We get tricked...

We get kicked...

It's a hard knock life.


We are not called to light-hearted.

This isn't a calling for the faint of heart.

This is a fight.

Battle.

War.

We fight the good fight.

I know who wins...

But sometimes it just doesn't seem like enough.

But it is.

Always.

"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." Psalms 9:9

Sucker Punch.

Out of the blue. It stings and hurts. And is more powerful than any of us thought.

What to do? Do I fight? Do I flee? Do I punch back? Do I taunt for more? Do I say that enough is enough? Do I turn the other cheek? Do I pout? Do I dwell?

I will stand firm

Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Piece by piece.

It's going to hurt...

be frustrating...

be long...

be uncomfortable...

be scary...

be sad...

It's going to be hell.

Sometimes it's not going to make sense...

You will look for a way out...

and they will be there.

"Why" will be on your lips every morning...

afternoon...

night...

everyday.

But what I can say is this...

I will be there...

I will hold your hand...

and these pieces.

I will try with all of my strength...

and fail...

Then I will try with all of my God through me...

and succeed.

I can...

will...

must...

bring your heart to something whole again.

Why?

Because I care...

cherish...

honor...

respect...

love...

you.

For God...

My God...

Your God...

Our God...

is greater than all of this.

Isaiah 43:1 But now, this is what the LORD says — he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Beautiful.

You are Beautiful.

You'll realize this one day.

And when you do,

I told you so.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Ps. 139:14

Forever Young.

Do you want to live forever?

"May the best of your todays...be the worst of your tomorrows"

We say we will take it one day at a time.

A step by step motion.

We never realize that one day those steps,

may not come anymore.

So for this one time,

Take my hand.

Come with me,

Now.

And we can pretend we'll be
forever young.

To do or not to do, that is the question.

While reading Wild at Heart and Father Fiction, there is an inescapable concept of 1. realizing you need a father, 2. realizing your father has wounded you, and 3. forgiving your father.

I have done 1 and 2 to the best of my ability.

Not 3.



Melchor Zavala
708 N. County St.
Waukegan, Illinois 60085
224-656-5509



Still can't find the strength to do anything.

God will provide one day.

Father Non-Fiction?

Changes?

[x] yes [ ] no

Good changes?

[x] yes [ ] no

New beginnings?

[x] yes [ ] no

Tough times?

[x] yes [ ] no

Worth it?

[ ] yes [ ] no


























[x] Definately

The epiphany of confussion.

Last night. Was tough. To say the least.

There are plenty of times where I have convinced all my friends that I am over this.

And I convinced my family.

But out of all the times, I think I forgot to convince myself.

So now I'm at a crossroads.

Do I want to convince myself. Or...

Louder. Please.

I can hear your screams.
Even when you don't yell.
I can hear your screams.
Even when you don't whisper.
I can hear your screams.
Even when you don't speak.
I can hear your screams.
Even when you don't look at me.
I can hear your screams.
Even when you aren't in my presence.
I can hear your screams.
Even when you aren't upset.
I can hear your screams.
Even when you are happy.

I can hear your screams.
Because I know you.
I can hear your screams.
Because I care for you.
I can hear your screams.
Because I want to help.

I can hear your screams.
Because I am screaming too.

OMG

Today was a wedding of an old friend.

*New Wedding - Old Friends*

It also was what seemed to be the start of something new.

*Old Friend - New Relationship*

But it was also the continued growth of a wonderful friendship.

*New Day - Old Friendship*

Then there is you.

*Old Friendship - Old Relationship - New __________*?

It confused me. And it is scary.

Shooting Stars

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now, a wish right now.

A week has past, I meant to write I swear, but time is fleeting.
Please forgive me.
My mind has wandered to and fro, thinking about the past and the present and the future, but still nothing has come to fruition.
So I will wander and ponder.

And wish that the airplanes were shooting stars.

Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a psalm
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

Wingman.

Last night was formal and it was interesting. I will rate it with the following 10 point scale:




Food: 6

Show: 8

Date: 7

Best Friend: 5

Company of others: 7.5

Overall: 6.7

The night started on a bad note, then moved to okay, then decent, then to hell in a hand basket. I did my best to play the wingman, but to no avail. his date was throwing the wrong signals and did not have the right receptor = tough night.

Seems to be a trend of friends going through difficult times, I wish I could help each and everyone of you guys. :(.

Today = anti-social. Period.

day number one

no ties, no loop holes, no bridges, no back pedaling, no flashbacks, no u-turns,

no looking back.

Today is the first day where it has started settling in my soul that it is Me and my God. No ties of relationships or people in the past. Just myself, My God, and My Future. It seems scary. Something that I have yet ventured into in this part of my life. It seems it could be cold and dark. But we will see. A close friend told me to replace the fear with curiosity, that we were all born for this...this is what I will try to do from now on. World watch out.

Renew.

Last night was written the ending to a very long chapter. My heart finally decided

it was enough, and pushed my brain to one side and gave it all it had. Maybe in a

past life we would have been perfect for one another, maybe if we would have made

some different choices, maybe, maybe, but the truth is... I don't believe in past

lives and I don't believe in regrets and maybe...maybe just may not be part of my

vocabulary. So today I said goodbye, the last one, and told you to move on with

yourself. Then it rained. Even angels in heaven knew how important this was to you...

to us. But God knows. And will take care of us in His will. But for now, this chapter

ends, and another one begins. Goodbye, Godspeed, and I love you.

Rewind.

Tonight was the hardest night

my apologies.

i wish that life had a big rewind button, even if you only got to press it once

i think this counts as that time.

"The body forgets oh to quickly what the mind remembers."

ive always known that quote but never where i heard it from,

and its so painstakingly true.

your kiss last night took me to a better place.

your touch last night let me stay there.

your smile made me never want to leave.

but your eyes said that this was only for the moment.

Darkest Day.

God.

Where are you?

You have been so close and I have been listening for so long.

But now.

Nothing.

Last night was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I watched...again...as one of the most important people of my life...walk away...again.

I trust You.

I love You.

But I don't understand You.

Please____fill in______the blanks_____soon.

New Deo.

This is a new day.
Similar to the last,
May look like tomorrow.
But it is still a new day.

Friendships arise in the places where I am guarded. In places where I least expect it.



It only takes one crack to penetrate the structure.

Here's the hammer...

I got one...maybe two?

Friend:

People that one can talk to...and then listen to. That would swim the deepest, darkest oceans just to make sure the other person is doing "Okay."
People that can say the must uplifting things in a matter of seconds but on the other hand....may kill in the matter of moments.
People that can be located halfway around the world, but when you talk to them, it's like they are right next to you with a shoulder to cry on.
People that have the most beautiful souls, but have the most horrific pasts.
People that are there. Forever.
People I love. Forever.

Sunn.

^ is the book I have been reading ^

^ is the book in which I have been understand some things about being a man^

^ is the book where I realize what a father really is ^

^ is the book where I realize what happens when you dont have a father ^

v is the person in which results into not having a father v



v this is a sneak peak of some friends of a fatherless boy has v



v and this is how sometimes I feel like when I realize I dont know what its like v






























^ not knowing how to be a man ^

Realizations.

Today, April 7, 2010.

i found out that my laptop eats iphones. for some strange reason. i guess windows has installed a kill apple program on it so when ever i try to sync it just eats the software...sad day.

Time:
Created by God...but doesn't apply to God.
Has complete control over man...but man can not even grasp figments of it.
Something that effects everyone...but is only understood by a few.

Time:
I think for once in my life I have ventured into the arms of God...via Time.
Time Governs man but God governs Time.
Its awesomely wonderful.





Engagement:
in today's world it is shorter and shorter and almost non-existent. i have friends and loved ones who have had their whirlwind weddings. come -- gone. adults together forever.
if there are happy.
i know that's not for me.



Love:
I have loved
I have lost
I have lost love
I have loved my loss